Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Before Big White Barbie There Was… Well, Not Much

Big White Barbie is Bad Decision Bear. My 2007 is most aptly summed up as the Year of Regrettable Decisions. My first ill advised attempt to turn my year around was to quit The Job From Hell in April without bothering to secure further employment. Naturally this was followed up with another 3 craptacular jobs between May and September. At some point I actually attempted dating a guy who had no idea who Anne Frank was. How does that even happen? I tried to rectify this by later sleeping with a second guy whose sole purpose of being in Korea is seemingly to nail as many women as possible. Welcome to my reality. Numerous so-called friendships that really should never have been in the first place completely fell apart. I contracted shingles in March, because apparently I’m 75 years old. Friendships that I believed were true were abruptly ended without explanation. I completely lost the plot.

A review of The Year of Regrettable Decisions reveals only one good choice that stands out. After years of dreaming followed by months of planning my escape, I hopped on a plane to South Korea with 300 bucks in my pocket and not a penny further to my name. Somehow in the midst of a year littered with stupidity I managed to pull of the most ridiculous, yet awesome stunt of my life.

In a world where every other foreigner you meet has an equally awesome story to tell, it’s very easy to lose sight of the courage and head strong ambition that we all required to get us here in the fist place. Or a sense of desperation and the flare for insanity, I suppose. We’re all motivated by different things. Some of us have massive debts back home which our not-so-fancy degrees have done little to help us pay off. Others just want to travel and experience a new culture. Some are in flux and hey, it seemed like a good idea at the time! Others still weren’t happy at home and are trying to run far far away from the one thing that they can’t escape in this life: themselves. Most of the people whom I’ve encountered here have come for a combination of reasons, some of which I have failed to even touch upon here. As for me, the day that I learned I could each overseas once I had a university degree was the day that I decided I would eventually do something like this. I chose Korea as my location because I was dirt poor and have mounds of debt weighing me down in Canada Land. I decided to come when I did because I felt that I had absolutely nothing left to lose. There was simply no time like the present to try to turn my life around and become The Big Deal that I’ve always imagined myself to be.

I naively expected that I could come to Korea and instantaneously become The Awesome Force that my Ideal Self happens to be. Sadly, it never quite works out that way. The Atlantic Ocean isn’t quite the vacuum of negativity, insecurity, and unfortunate memories that I had hoped. Much to my disappointment, I arrived in Korea every bit the tragically flawed, quirky character that I was when I left home. I still drank like a sieve. I spent impulsively. I chased men whom had as much respect for me as I had for myself. I befriended anybody who would smile my way. I pitifully pandered for acceptance at every given opportunity. The result is that rather than become closer to my Ideal Self, I’ve morphed into some sort of exaggerated, cartoon version of myself. While this undoubtedly makes me wildly entertaining to others, it does little for self improvement.

I rarely make serious New Year’s resolutions. For one thing, if I happen to remember my resolution in the first place, I rarely follow through with it. For another, I find it rather meaningless to make a promise to myself for no better reason than it being a particular date on the calendar. This year I will make an exception and not only make a resolution, but share it with those you unfortunate enough to have waded through my tripe long enough to make it to this point in the post. Somewhere between my Ideal Self and the cartoon that is Big White Barbie there is a realistic, attainable compromise. To reach this, I’ll face my biggest challenge yet. Not just anybody will hop on a plane to Nowhere with a few hundred bucks in hand; fewer of us still will ever know what it is to truly love oneself. I’ve demonstrated to myself that I’m clearly capable of the former. In a world where so many of us are swimming in a sea of self loathing, learning to love myself will undoubtedly do little to cure the insomnia. Yet, I'm willing to give anything a try. That's how I roll. Wish me luck and I'll buy the next round.

No comments: