Barbie and the International Beer Menu That Wasn’t

I had just purchased 5 bottles of nail polish from 4 different stores; this was not one of my better moments. In spite of how silly this was, trying to purchase a bottle of nail polish from every cosmetics shop in Deokchun struck me as hilarious, so I gave it a serious go. Given that you will find one of these shops on every corner, this would actually have been an impressive feat. Alas, I fell just short of my frivolous goal. I blame this entirely on Shanna and Speedy. They had the audacity to actually show up on time for our impromptu Monday night out, preventing me from running in another circle and spotting the only cosmetics shop I had yet to hit! If I hadn’t desperately needed some company that evening, I would still be holding this against them.

During our meal, Speedy and Shanna tried to carry on real conversation. I frequently interrupted so that more pressing matters could be discussed, such as all of the free swag that I got for purchasing 57 bottles of nail polish! Surprisingly, neither of them was particularly interested in hearing about this. They were probably jealous. I got cotton balls and whitening cream!

Our next location had not yet been determined. We didn't bother discussing this matter while we were still in the restaurant. It made infinitely more sense to stand outside in the rain and share our thoughts on the matter. I’ve been told that I have many thoughts and would be best off keeping these to myself. Blasphemy! My thoughts are deep, carefully deliberated and frequently lead to fantastic things. That particular Monday a few weeks back was no exception.

I briefly humour Shanna and Speedy with the idea that what they want to do from here actually matters with the following: “So what are you two feeling? Which bar do you want to go to?” As it turns out, Shanna and Speedy are not sock puppets that I picked up at the market one morning. They’re Real Live People, with real thoughts and everything. I’ve been told that they also have feelings, though I remain unconvinced. Either way, the fact that I was being rather pretentious at this juncture was not lost on them. After briefly taking the moment to point out how transparent I am, they come to the conclusion that they like alcohol every bit as much as I do.

The three of us ended up at the Wa Bar; it was the closest venue that was undoubtedly a bar. I was in the midst of a beer drinking phase, so this suited me just fine. Shanna is not a beer drinker; she was completely unfazed by the unbelievable array of international beers offered on the drink menu. Two full pages of options, hitting up every continent that matters! It was beautiful. The beer drinkers among us required a couple of minutes to mull over the variety before committing to just one choice. I don’t even commit to brands of deodorant. Or toothpaste. This menu presented quite the challenge for me.

After brushing the server away the first time they came over, we were finally ready to guzzle some random brand of beer. Unless you were Shanna, in which case you had settled for some Ass In A Bottle, also known as Random Korean Cooler. I wasn’t feeling particularly experimental, so I settled on the good and familiar Stella Artois. Speedy had selected something-or-other. Upon requesting both from the server, we were informed that they didn’t actually have either. Assuming this was a coincidence, because the possibility that the entire menu existed as decoration and nothing more was simply too stupid to process, we tried two other beers. Again, we were told that neither was available.

The server was soon joined by another server, and the two of them chatted and giggled at one another uncomfortably as we continued picking through the menu. Speedy finally wizened up and asked what our options actually were, given that the menu was clearly Just Kidding. They pointed at the small list of Korean beers. Speedy decides to be difficult with them and select the only Korean beer on the menu that nobody has ever heard of. More uncomfortable giggles followed by an admission that they don’t actually have that beer either. At this point I cave and try to order Hite, which is my standard awful-but-cheap Korean beer. More uncomfortable giggles. They were totally just kidding about Hite, too!

The Wa Bar is broken.

At this point I’m starting to think that this is the only Wa Bar in Korea that doesn’t serve beer. A more satisfying explanation would be that they simply didn’t understand us. If reality, this would do well to ease my mind. Sadly, I think that they understood us perfectly well; they simply didn’t know how to convey to us that the only beer they could serve at that particular time was their house brew. A good start would have been to not provide us with one of the most impressive beer menus we’d seen in Korea.

For what it’s worth, the house brew did the trick.